Rehearsal starting times are suggestions. Rehearsal ending times are mandatory.
Regularly complain about the temperature, humidity, lighting, perfume (or lack thereof), acoustics, the weather, the rehearsal times, the chairs, the person’s tone next to you, etc.
Softer means slower.
Basses, when your conductor is a tenor, ask them to demonstrate various bass lines for Tchesnekoff and Rachmaninoff. This is especially effective when he/she ask you to crescendo and decrescendo on a low B-flat line.
When the conductor asks another part to double yours, take offense.
After the conductor slowly announces three times where you would begin in the music, wait until the upbeat and ask “where are we are starting?”
Tenors or sopranos, ask the organist/conductor to transpose the piece up a minor third since it is too low. When the basses and altos complain, shake your head a mutter “wimps.”
Basses, when the conductor asks if the music is to low, wake up and take offense.
Sopranos, high notes need not be exact, that is what vibrato is for.
Altos, complain often about the ten measures of repeated notes. When the note changes, complain that the music is to difficult.
At the end of the final rehearsal, announce that you cannot make the performance.
Note duration is optional.
Always stress important words such as “the,” “and,” “to” and the second half of two syllable words.
The higher or lower the note, the lower the soft palette should be.
Remind the organist they are playing to loud, especially when they are not playing.
Take a breath after the last beat in every measure.
Correct notes are optional, correct words are mandatory.
Sopranos, when the conductor rehearses the altos, shake your head and mutter, “amateurs.”
Sopranos and tenors – higher always means louder.
The conductor’s tempo is optional. Slower is better.
Music in a foreign language should be pronounced in your local dialect. Avee Veerrruhm Corrrpuhsss
Certain consonants should be stressed more than others. These would be S and R.
Demonstrating emotion and feeling has no place in music performance, only in complaints to the conductor. This is not a concern of basses.
Practicing walking on and off stage are the most important part of any rehearsal. Be ready give many suggestions to the conductor during this part.
Never perform music the same way twice.
Remember, you are singers not musicians.
Section statements:
Sopranos: me
Altos: E-flat
Tenors: huh?
Basses: Zzzz
Conductor: #$^%@
Organist: there’s a choir?